moving forward.
So lately, I've been really anxious about my career choice. It hit me recently that the GRE and phD/gradschool applications were to be submitted December 2008. Granted, I knew about the deadline and had decided that the game industry is really where I want to be heading, but at the same time, it scares me knowing that I really do have to move forward with my plans. Kinda silly, huh?Tuesday I had been really restless and found myself unable to sleep; I couldn't stop worrying about the what ifs and etc. etc. I think it really scares me knowing that there are many people shooting for the same goal as me who are indeed talented and more knowledgeable.
And of course, I have my worse case scenario plans. I figure I can try and land an HR job at a game company, worse comes to worse (hoorah for being able to use that psych degree!) and hopefully move up. Also, if I really want to, I can always apply for a phD program (for research in psychology)come December. . . And I can always find a random job to keep the bills at bay while I figure things out. >_<
But still, I am terribly nervous about not knowing where I'm going. Parents aren't really helping much, but I think that was already expected. I called my mom yesterday to see how she was doing, and she spent and extensive amount of time discussing how this girl is about the same age as me, with a bio degree, and will be shadowing (following) a doctor that my mom works with. Blah blah, and she went on and on about the program that she will apply for and how short it is to go into a nursing program. I understand though. They want what's best and hope for stability. I want the same thing, too. To be honest, I'm scared, and really want to hear something supportive from them.
What a wuss, huh?
And in this silly state, I feel like I'm losing self-confidence in my ability and what I am capable of. It sounds emo, huh? But in truth, that's what's most important, you need to see yourself as competent and creative and project that. Listening to game music now makes me a bit antsy. How can I reach that level? Where does this surge of creativity come from? And then I realize how far behind I am.
But then I laugh; I should be viewing the songs as inspiration. I should listen to their music and set these as goals and find ways to exceed these sounds.
I think what I need is a mentor. I feel like I'm trying to take what I have and move forward based on my own ability and with little knowledge. Am I stepping a too blindly?
I know I shouldn't worry too much. I know too that I may not land that job. But the truth is, I want to prove myself to both my parents and most importantly, myself.
(This post is pretty long (and a bit unorganized). . . maybe it counters my long posts of pictures ^_^)
Talking to Nicolo yesterday helped get some of that anxiety out. Though we didn't quite find solutions, I'm hoping that we will be able to help motivate each other. You may not read this, but thanks Nicolo, it really meant a lot to me.
With that said, I'm jealous of you, Eric, the self-motivation, creativity, and knowledge you have is enviable. I admire you for stepping closer to your dreams, but what really amazes me, is your drive to create. I love how you go home and have such a drive to shape and mold your own ideas into a game. It's admirable seeing how much you enjoy what you do and how hard you work. I highly respect that, and hope to reach that point one day.
I need to master a lot of things, and I know that I will have to accomplish the majority of that on my own. But despite the current predicament, I can't help but admire the happiness/cuteness of my corgi calendar. <3
2 comments:
Kat. You aren't alone. While it's a little different for me, I feel like we are kind of struggling with the same thing...this thing called the future...but don't fret too much. You have the rest of your life to figure out what/how you are going to do things. Something will work out! :-)
Regarding your future: Britt is right, something will work out, but not in that "eventually something will happen" or "you will find something else you like" kind of way. I believe with the skills you have and the right connections, you will get a job doing what you want. I dont say "you'll be fine" to just mean that "you will eventually be fine and things will somehow work out." I mean that I think you will be fine in succeeding to do what you want to do. IMPORTANT: Just make sure never to stop learning.
Regarding the state of your work: Of course you're work is not going to be on the same level as those who have been doing this for a much longer time. I have the same issues which is why I make sure to keep learning. Much of that will just come with experience also. Sometimes, I feel like I have learned very little where I am now (especially in regards to design), but then I realize that I actually have learned a great deal just from being in the industry. What I am saying is that once you are in, experience will be a major component to your growth.
Regarding creativity: I appreciate the compliments. I kind of see it as a sort of inspirational creativity and problem-solving creativity. Inspirational creativity is much more fun to have. Unfortunately, this happens much less often as well. In fact, I find it very easy to have the following occur:
1. I get inspiration to do something.
2. I try to implement my ideas.
3. I quickly get the harsh reality of why many of them will not work.
This is where the problem-solving creativity comes in. Problem-solving can be lots of fun, except for cases where you don't exactly know what the problem is or what the solution conditions need to be. This then begins another problem-solving phase to get to that point. This is where it can start to be frustrating.
The point I was getting at is that the inspirational creativity part is usually the most fun and the easiest part of the whole process. It is the part where you get attached to it, and it can be hard to work on something that you don't have your heart in. It can also be easy to forget that you have your heart in something. My solution to this is reminding myself why I have my heart in something. What got me so excited about it to begin with. Usually for me, this involves looking at early project sketches. For others, it could be other things.
Regarding Closure to This Post: There is none.
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