apologies
I'm an awful mess.I just returned from a long discussion with my sister, kinda her boyfriend (he wasn't exactly there in person), my mom, and my dad.
We spoke of love, opinions, and situations.
I answered questions truthfully, and they spoke with full honesty.
I left with a heavy heart.
Is there a line between friendships and romantic relationships? How can thoughtfulness be expressed? What separates neediness and necessity? How far does the future stretch?
There were many questions, and sometimes, few answers.
I'm not sure how to word it. I'm not sure how to discuss it. And while I know you care, I'm also unsure at times. Maybe I'm the only one who doubts. Does that put me at fault? And I know this offends you; I'm sorry to hurt you. I hate bothering you with these problems (are they one-sided? are they stupid?). Please never doubt my appreciation. Please never doubt my sincerity or love. And it's such a stupid and selfish thing for me to ask when sometimes, I hesitate to do the same.
But I don't think I'm needy. I don't think I ask for much. And as I've said before, "all I ask is that you love me, and that you remind me." I told them you do try, but they remind me of the little things, and that little things will build. And it's my fault for being weak at heart, and perhaps for understanding their words. But I can't help but agree at times, when they speak of thoughtfulness and question what separates me (aside from the kisses and hugs of course, haha) from being your girlfriend or being a friend.
You can lie to me and say you love me - I'm okay with that. As long as I believe that you love me, I think that's all that I need. I argued how good you are to me, I argued about how good of a person you are (be it intellectually, creatively, morally...), but the questions they asked, the examples they raised, how do I answer those?
And I think I'll never find an end to my apologies for doubting, wondering, and sometimes agreeing. But sometimes, I think their words ring clear. Perhaps I am weak in that sense. I hate to be your burden and cause trouble. I'm afraid to call you and bring this up (plus, I'm almost certain you're asleep). I'm afraid to cause problems for you, to make you worry, to ask for more. But I left home with such a heavy heart, and all I want to do is ask you to hold my hand.
Please give me reasons to stay.
